Pity Party or Peace?

Have you ever wanted something SO bad and then realized that maybe it’s just not meant to be? That’s where I’m at right now. I would LOVE to have another baby, but I’m starting to think that two (or more) children simply isn’t in His plan for us. I don’t know why I feel like this, it’s not like we’ve been trying very long, I’m not “advanced” in age or anything else. I just feel like Khaila’s going to be our one and only.
Maybe it’s because of my depression. Maybe I just can’t deal with continuing to try and this is my way to try and trick myself into thinking that it’s ok. All I know is either my attitude needs to change or I need to come to peace with the thought that Khaila really could be it.
As it stands right now, I’m about the world’s crappiest friend. No matter how happy I am when one of the girls on my board finds out they are pregnant, I get insanely depressed that it’s not “happening” for us. And the number of couples that are pregnant without trying, despite not wanting to get pregnant, or getting pregnant the first month they decide to try is really getting me down. Why is it “time” for them and not for us? Why can’t I just be happy for them? Why am I feeling like I can’t talk to one of my closest friends right now because I don’t want her to confuse my pity party with not being happy for her? Why am I letting this pity party continue, dragging down my entire day and sapping me of energy? Why can’t I just snap out of it and scream, jump, laugh, etc with my friend?? HOW do I get past this feeling?